


Lie not about love

by Technomancer28



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Hogwarts Era, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 22:19:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/872578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Technomancer28/pseuds/Technomancer28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is easy sometimes, to believe that it is him Remus wants. he knows that it is Sirius he wants. Always Sirius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lie not about love

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to J.K. Rowling.  
> Pairing: Regulus/Remus  
> Rating:M  
> Word count:2912

Lie not about love

Sometimes when Remus looks at him, his liquid eyes full of an overwhelming emotion, he almost wants to believe that it is him he wants. Desires. Almost.

When they are rocking too hard, too fast against each other-Remus inside him because of the unexplainable loneliness he is feeling at the time-and he feels Remus's heated words rather than hear them because there is the rush of blood pounding in his veins, of sensuous feelings overloading his very system, he can almost believe that Remus wants him. Almost.

Remus isn't allowed to look, not when they are close to coming any second [now](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8647652/3/Of-wolves-and-lion-hearts) and certainly not when they are interlocked far too intimately because even though Remus may be willing to be taken on all fours, he always insists to face Regulus when he is not on the receiving end. Regulus still does not know why he has let someone like Remus invade his body in the first place…but perhaps he does know in some small part of him; it was better than the alternative of never having known this kind of connection, the kind that he can never have with a girl. He has tried that already.

Sometimes Remus is far too daring for his liking. When they have come down from their release, he doesn't pull out from inside him immediately; instead he has the nerve to graze his fingers against his pale, smooth cheeks brushing aside the sweaty fringe and murmur ' _Regulus'_ in such a heart-felt manner that it makes Regulus hope for a few seconds.

For a few blissful seconds there he feels as though it really is him and not Sirius that Remus wants, has been in love with for a length of time Regulus does not ask about because it doesn't matter to him. Truly.

Every time-the rare times that it happens, though lately Remus seems to be trying to somehow emotionally attach himself to him-Remus gazes at him _that_ way and goes so far as to hold him after they have engaged in all sorts of unspeakable actions that Regulus makes sure to keep locked in some dark corner of his consciousness, he does not allow Remus to try and infiltrate his walls he has so carefully put up for days until his never-ending loneliness and hidden inferiority threatens to engulf him and all he can do is give himself to Remus and give and give some more after taking him for days previously.

Remus does not have to tell him; he knows. It is Sirius, it's always Sirius. Sirius is not somebody you just go and substitute. But Regulus? He isn't like his brother; never was in the first place. But he is the closest anyone can and will ever find to substitute that boy full of life, friends, adoration and love. Not just from girls that fawn over him; had that been the case, Regulus may have overlooked it. After all who needs girls and their doe-eyed worshipping?

He wishes he did not want more than just shagging with Remus, because that is exactly what they do-they have sex. Completely technical. No emotions attached. Least of all with somebody who could not even see him for himself because Regulus knows; knows who Remus thinks of when they slip away from the library, from dormitories and the rest of the world. It is always Sirius.

So he loses it because he hurts when he doesn't want to, because he feels for this plain, brown boy. Except that Remus is not so plain; there is his hair Regulus pulls at in fits of passion, his roughened features, his strong hands that run over his body and grasps him and holds him, his skin and mouth that when touch his own threatens to burn and melt him simultaneously and there is just so much mystery surrounding the boy that Regulus wants to know him. Know more than just his body and all those spots that make him squirm, sometimes laugh a little when he finds a ticklish spot and others that makes him groan in such ways that Regulus cannot help but take pride in for eliciting such reactions from him.

He wants to know more than just how intelligent Remus is at theoretical Potions and Defence and perhaps that is where his problems lie; he is forgetting how to sort out his thoughts and mixing up lust for something else entirely.

So he lashes out just this once and it is the only time he does because this needs to stop. Because this time Remus gasps against his neck and then pushes up from him to look at him even though Regulus has told him time and again not to though he distinctly remembers forgetting to have told him tonight. And he utters the horrible, heart-stopping words that make Regulus finally snap.

" _Reg-Regulus-I-I'm-"_ And that is how far he goes because then he stops and looks down at Regulus with such foreign intensity that his heart skips a beat and he feels his stomach swoop down so fast that he does not have the time to hide his own vulnerable expression and Remus sees it. He sees and swallows hard and seizes the opportunity to grab Regulus's thighs so he can drive himself deeper before he can speak a word. Regulus's mouth drops open at the unexpected change in pace. Now Remus's eyes are closed, both of theirs are but suddenly they are both breathing harsher than before and gasping and Regulus cannot keep his voice down or keep himself from drowning in the wild passion of Remus's movements and the desperate noises he too seems to be unable to keep in check.

It is all so much and so overwhelming that for once Regulus finds himself clutching at Remus-his arm, his neck, his back-he doesn't know anymore. All he knows is that he feels like he is flying and falling at the same time and he has never been so hot, so feverish before, not like this. Then Remus tells him-no- _orders_ him to come with him; the nerve of him and Regulus does as soon as he feels Remus plunge into him one last time. His release leaves him boneless and weak so that he is shivering in Remus's embrace-when had that happened? Belatedly he thinks he may have called out something that sounded like Remus's name.

Inexplicably, he also feels the slight wetness on his lashes as his eyes remain closed and he is brought back to reality so fast that his walls come up instantly and he pushes Remus away. Hard. Remus looks straight at him, his expression not hiding anything for a change; he is looking for answers.

"I told you." Regulus starts angrily, "You weren't supposed to look at me, Lupin-"

"Not today, you didn't." Remus cuts in with his frustratingly patient expression, the one that makes Regulus feel a little like a child, "So we're back on second-name basis, are we?" Regulus manages a sneer while pulling on his shirt that he has thankfully found peeking from under the bed and looks for his pants but grimaces when he spots them somewhere closer to Remus's side. He tugs the shirt down to hide as much skin as possible; finally feeling back in control of the situation even though he can still feel Remus's release inside him which is really quite awkward.

"We aren't friends, Lupin." Regulus replies to that and Remus throws his hands up in frustration.

"Well, it certainly wasn't me who practically screamed out my name a few minutes back, yeah?" He shakes his head as Regulus's jaw clench involuntarily, grabs his trousers from the foot of the bed and pulls them on harshly. "Sometimes, I just don't understand you." He says so darkly that Regulus ends up spilling everything he has kept locked up inside.

"No, you don't. Why would you?" He swings his legs out of the bed as he too starts dressing with jabs of his limbs, "You never wanted to in the first place; so why would you want to now?" Remus looks at him from where he is retrieving his robe.

"What does that mean, Regulus?" He asks gently as he always does and walks closer to Regulus, "Regulus." He reaches out to place his hand on Regulus's arm but the latter jerks away. Remus lets out a heavy sigh before turning away and taking a seat on the bed.

"What happened just now?" He asks slowly as if testing to see how far he can push Regulus to get his answers, "When we were-" He waves his hand which Regulus understands to mean their enjoyable activity' of course, "I thought things were going rather well between us, wouldn't you say?" Remus says in that infuriatingly calm manner as if Regulus is the one that cannot see what is really going on here.

"Rather well?" Regulus asks in a deliberately disbelieving tone, "Don't flatter yourself, Lupin. What we do here has nothing to do with us getting to know each other. If you were looking to be friends with someone like me-" He spares him a perfected pitying look before tying his tie, "-Get real, Lupin. You are practically a Mudb-"

"Shut. Up." Regulus's eyes widen slightly at the speed with which the other prefect has managed to come standing before and have him at wand-point. "God! You don't change, do you? When was the last time you had a friend? A real one." He adds just as Regulus is about to reply and he finds that he has to lie because he cannot be honest with himself about this, "I thought so." Remus says shaking his head, "The same old blood purity shite your family-"

"My family-" Regulus cuts in enraged, "-don't bring my family into this, you-" Remus interrupts with a foreign laugh that Regulus hasn't heard before.

"Oh! Yes, of course. You and the rest of your _honourable_ Blacks and whatnot." Remus pockets his wand and roughly runs a hand through his hair, "I'm glad Sirius got out of there while he could." The comment pretty much confirms all of Regulus's assumptions and he glares outwardly, his fists clenching as the unfairness of the situation strikes him deeper than before. He is angry, he is so very angry.

"Well, too bad for you I'm not Sirius." Before he himself realizes, Regulus is shouting loudly. Uncontrollably, "I am not Sirius. I never was and I'll never be like him." He throws his hands outwards to emphasize his point and in some part of him he knows that he has not openly shown himself like this in years and he shouldn't be but the sting of inferiority quails it and he finds his tongue speaking before he can really process his thoughts.

"You don't understand. None of you do and-" He runs his tongue over his lips and swallows, "-I hate it. You don't see me, Remus. I'm not Sirius…I'm not." Somehow he finds his voice lowering as his anger leaves him and all he has is the anguish that Remus always saw Sirius in him and now that he himself has broken that illusion, Remus will leave. He will.

"Regulus." Remus's own voice sounds like he is hurting which is only possible because that boy really tries too hard to save everyone and cares too much about people who will only end up hurting him. He is really quite gullible, now that Regulus thinks about it and he is sure Remus is going to try and be comforting because he is his best friend's brother and nothing more.

"Regulus, look at me." Regulus doesn't but he hears Remus sigh and feels his warm, rough hand against his, "I do. I do see you. I care about-" Regulus tears his hand away from his as he whirls around to face him, his eyes cold and glistening with tears of anger and a lot of hurt but he does not want Remus to see it so his lips curl.

"Don't mock me like that, Lupin. I know." He lowers his voice as if sharing a secret because this _is_ a secret that Remus does not want Sirius to know, "I know you think of Sirius. All the time."

"What? Reg-" But Regulus does not want to heart what he has to say because he is just going to deny it and even if he does not, he wants this to be over because he cannot continue playing Sirius's role for others any longer. He thinks he is reaching the limits of his patience and his duties as the heir has not even really begun. It is pathetic because he thinks that Sirius may have been able to do it all better than him, if only he had been a Slytherin. It would be easy for him because he does not think so much like Regulus himself; he just does what he sets out to do.

"Don't deny it. I know. It was always Sirius for you." Regulus tells him and sweeps a look across the room to see if he has missed any article of clothing and then back up at Remus, "Don't worry, he won't know unless you tell him." For some reason he feels the need to reassure Remus as the older boy is looking at him with surprise all over his face.

"Is that what you think?" Remus asks once he regains speech and he takes hold of Regulus by the arm, "No. Regulus, it's not. It was never Sirius. You need to underst-"

"Oh, I understand." Regulus interrupts as he tries to shake his arm out of Remus's grip, "I know it, Lupin. I know. I'm not stupid-"

"Looks to me like you are." Remus tells him heatedly before his expression takes on that lost look again, "Regulus, it's not-"

"NO!" Regulus manages to pull himself away from Remus and he hurries towards the entrance to the Room of Requirement, "Don't lie to me. Just. Don't." He knows he sounds like he is pleading and maybe he is, he wants to leave things as they are, not on good terms or anything of that sort. This is alright, this way he does not need to look back and remember all the good things that has happened with Remus in the secret corners of the school.

"Wow." Remus mutters, "Just…you're so intent on believing that you're right, you don't even see it." The somehow pained voice makes Regulus look at him with his hand on the wall where the doorway appeared. Remus is looking at him with an expression as if he has had his heart broken, "You don't get it. It's not Sirius. It hasn't been him for a long time now." That is all Regulus has to hear to know that Remus has thought of Sirius and he casts him a cold look.

"I don't care, Lupin. I don't." Regulus leaves because he knows what is real and what is true; he's always known it from the start.

OoOoOo888888888OoOoOo

Sometimes Regulus wonders if perhaps Remus may have cared about him, truly cared about him and not his brother, if he had been honest with him. It is easier these days to humour the thoughts and fantasize about the way his life could have been had he chosen to believe him. But it does cut through his insides when he realises what he has possibly given up for this short life of two years if Remus had been telling the truth.

He thinks he is crying now, it is difficult to tell while he is being pulled under water and he himself is fighting an inner battle whether to drown with the Inferi or save himself. He had thought he was ready, seems like he isn't after all. The world around is dark, crushing his entire being and his soul and breathing accidentally burns his lungs as another dark hand pulls him down into the fearful abyss. He really is still crying. He doesn't stop; there is nobody to see him, nobody for who he has to be the staunch-hearted substitute.

He thinks that no one ever really is ready for death, especially the kind where no one will miss him and no one will probably know of. This kind of bravery is not meant for him, he cannot dive to his death with a smile just because he will be helping in saving the world, he is crying. Had it been Sirius, he probably would have laughed in the face of death. This is why his brother had been a Gryffindor. He wasn't.

Sometimes he had cooked up scenarios where he would come across Remus as an enemy all of which ended with them reliving their school days of closeted passions and rough whispers. It had never happened. Regulus would have liked to see Remus one last time. He does not have the chance to have his life play out before him but there is a scene with a young Sirius and himself laughing. He does wish one last time though that Remus will cry for him, that he is crying for him right now as he feels Regulus's life slipping away. He hopes Remus has a longer life than he did, he is a good man; a really good man that is one of Regulus's greatest regrets for ever giving up. He thinks he hears Remus telling him that he is indeed a very brave man; one of the greatest he ever knew.

_-Fin-_


End file.
